My Bum
by redfox13
Summary: Your bum is what? And who's Bob? Where's Harry in all this madness? Is Draco here? Ron wants to what, with who? And what do owls have to do with anything! Crazy OneShot, HPDM.


"Did you take my pants?"

Draco – who was checking himself out – turned away from his full-length mirror, "No?"

Harry poked his head out of the closet and eyed his boyfriend up and down suspiciously, "Are you lying to me?"

The blond gasped dramatically, "You don't trust me, Harry? You think I would stoop so low as to steal your _pants_?"

"Yes, I do."

"I'll have you know I've learned that it takes _years_ to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion – not proof – to destroy it," Draco said. "You are _clearly_ proving that theory correct."

"But I never trusted you," Harry retorted, stepping out of the closet.

Draco scoffed, "Well you should have, I'm bloody gorgeous."

"What does that have to do --"

"I'm bored, Harry, entertain me," Draco interrupted airily as he walked to one of the leather couches placed beside the fire; he sat on the arm of the furniture and looked at Harry.

Harry shook his head as he sat beside his boyfriend, "You're so rude and selfish sometimes, Draco. I don't see how this relationship could work between us. I mean, what could I possibly see in you?"

"Your cock in my arse?" Draco chuckled as he waved Harry's words away, "I'm anything _but_ spoiled. All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power. Is that so much to ask for, Harry?"

Harry stared at him, "Yes."

"Silly little boy, I'm Draco Malfoy, no one denies me of what I want."

"I've come to the conclusion that you're also a self-centered pouf," Harry sighed as he looked away.

There was another taunting chuckle. "A conclusion is nothing, Harry, it's simply the place where you got tired of thinking," Draco said.

Harry was about to retort when a loud knocking on the door had them turning in question. "Who is it and what do you want?" Draco called.

"It's Blaise, you git!"

Draco seemed to think about this, "Blaise as in the _Slytherin_ Blaise? Or are you the Ravenclaw Blaise?"

"What are you talking about you pouf, I'm the only Blaise in this damned school! Now stop fucking Potter and get your arse out here! I want you to talk to me like a normal human!" he yelled through the door.

"But I'm no mere human, my dear friend, I am a Malfoy," Draco smirked, though his fellow Slytherin could not see.

Blaise growled, "You're such an arse sometimes, Draco. Anyway, there's a Hufflepuff in the hall claiming that he's the father of your unborn child," Blaise said.

Harry scowled, "_What_?"

Draco sat up and looked at the closed door, "What?"

"The father of your baby is out here asking for a picture!" Blaise repeated.

"Colin's the only one I know who has a camera," Harry said lowly to Draco. He raised his voice so Blaise could hear, "And he's in Gryffindor, not Hufflepuff!"

There was an irritated huff, "Same thing, just get your pompous arse out here and deal with it, Draco!" He hit the door to make his point and the two boys heard him stomp away cursing.

"Damn, there simply _cannot_ be a crisis today, my schedule is already full!" Draco stood up and rushed toward the door, "I'll see you later, Pumpkin Pie!"

Harry grimaced at the pet name but obediently blew a kiss to the retreating figure, "Bye."

He was left in silence, in the room that the two of them shared. Dumbledore had been nice enough to let them bunk together, no strings attached – though Draco continuously told him that he felt as though they were being watched during sex. Harry always laughed it off, Dumbledore wasn't perverted enough to watch them during sex.

A shiver coursed down his spine and he turned toward the eerie portrait that had its eyes cut out.

_Haha, Dumbledore, a pervert. That'll be the day,_ Harry silently laughed.

It wasn't worth worrying about though. Harry sighed as he leaned against the couch, allowing his head to drop over the back, leaving him to stare at the ceiling.

He sighed as he recalled the day he had built up the nerve to ask Draco out. That was a memory worth remembering. There had been some sort of misunderstanding, and the blond had somehow lost his wand in the process.

Perfect time to hex your enemy right?

It _would_ have been if Harry hadn't harbored an enormous crush on the Slytherin.

Ah, the woes of being an adolescent male and the hormones that come along for the ride, you're either "madly in love" with someone or you're trying to prove how "macho" you look in your little speedo.

He remembered the exact moment he had run into the Slytherin; he was on his way to Charms, late as usual of course. Merlin, had his nerves been on edge when he stopped to talk to Malfoy.

He had choked of course.

_"So, Malfoy, I er... heard you found your wand?" Harry shifted restlessly._

_"Yes," the blond quirked a brow in question._

_"That's good," Harry fidgeted._

_"Yeah."_

_"I guess it was kind of hard being without it," he glanced away. _

_"Yeah."_

_Harry laughed nervously, "I think I'd be pretty useless without mine."_

_"Yeah," Draco's eyes lidded._

_"Do you, um...want to go out with me?"_

_Draco smiled, "Sure."_

Harry sighed, and that was that. They had gone to Hogsmeade the next day and had truly enjoyed themselves thank you very much, even combined with the fact that Harry's Gryffindor friends had tried to protest his involvement with the Slytherin – or the "pompous assed git who probably bleached his hair so that people would like him" as Ron continued to rant.

He smiled despite that thought, they would get along eventually, he was sure of it. Harry yawned and stretched – his back popping with the movement. He hadn't gotten much sleep last night, Draco had been extremely horny _again_ for the fourth night in a row.

_A light kip will do me good._ Harry closed his eyes slowly, slipping into a warm fuzzy --

"Harry, it's time for Quidditch practice!" Ron pounded on the door.

Harry jolted awake from his doze and jumped to his feet hurriedly, "I'm up! I'm coming right now!"

There was silence on the other side and then Ron cleared his throat, "Um, no need to rush mate. Take your time with that."

"What?" Harry struggled with his shirt. He realized what he had hinted at and laughed, "Not like that you perv!"

"Oh, well hurry up then. I'll meet you out there, alright?"

"Yeah, sure!" Harry tugged the rest of his uniform on. He scribbled a quick note to Draco telling him where he would be and ran out the door, broom in hand.

--- --- ---

"Everyone, I'd like you to meet Bob."

A few heads glanced toward the drawling voice and then turned away hurriedly before eye contact was made. Draco stood on the Quidditch Pitch, having read Harry's note – and having dealt with his "crisis" in a professional manner. Let's just say that little Creevy wouldn't be taking pictures with his camera anytime soon, not unless he was willing to moon people in the process and suffer from hemorrhoids.

"Draco, what have I told you about taking Bob outside?" Harry swooped down on his broom, planting a quick kiss on Draco's cheek as he landed. "It's too cold for him."

They both looked down lovingly at the potted plant and Draco gently stroked a leaf.

"But, Harry, it was too stuffy in the closet," he whined. "And I was tired of being locked up so we decided to come visit you."

"I told you I had Quidditch practice."

Draco smiled brightly, "Well I'm here now, so entertain me."

A shadow passed over them and Harry glanced up. "Oi, what's that bimbo doing on the field?" Ron shouted from above them.

Harry groaned as he saw his friend, this was all he needed. Draco of course took the bait and sneered up at the floating redhead, flipping him off. Ron landed in front of the two and held his broom in one hand as his eyes raked Draco's form.

Draco smirked as he saw this, "Sorry Weasel, I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable."

Ron's face flamed in embarrassment, "I wasn't checking you out, I'm not like _you_."

"Well then I would appreciate it if you would send your pants the message because it's not polite to point."

Ron and Harry both glanced down at his crouch – expecting to see something – Ron scowled when nothing was to be found, "What are you talking about?"

"Oh dear, my mistake, I forgot that you were _impotent_. You do know that's Nature's way of saying, 'no hard feelings'." He smirked, "Pun intended I assure you."

"Shut up!" Ron dropped his broom and stepped forward menacingly. Harry watched the two nervously; he refused to choose sides when it came to both wizards.

"Why don't you give yourself a treat? Paint all your mirrors." Draco continued.

Ron spluttered angrily. "You little ferret!"

"Why, Ronald, if I had known you were into bestiality, I would have invited my owl."

"You sick --"

The blond interrupted his fuming, "Really, Weasley, you're insults do nothing, they're amusing at best." Draco waved his hand in a shooing motion, "Until you find better comebacks, please, just die."

The redhead growled, "Are you calling me stupid, Malfoy?"

"Let's just say the wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead," Draco smirked.

"How dare you!" Ron roared.

Draco laughed, "It's people like you who should not be allowed to breed." He trailed his eyes down the worn robe, "Obviously your family did not receive the memo."

"Merlin, you're annoying. I swear I'm going to --"

"Alright Weasley, I tire of this 'game', I'm going to be the bigger man and walk away. I'd explain what it's like to you, but your brain would explode," Draco smiled sweetly as he turned and left.

Harry looked from his friend to his boyfriend and sighed in frustration, "Draco, wait up!"

Ron scowled as he watched the pair walk away. "I'll show you, you stupid prat," he muttered under his breath. He turned to walk back inside when something near the ground caught his eye. He smiled evilly, "Perfect."

--- --- ---

"Harry, have you seen Bob?" Draco glanced around the room with a concerned frown.

Harry lay on the couch, a book strategically placed over his face, "Nope."

Draco lifted up a few papers, still looking for the missing plant, "I can't find him."

"Did you check the closet?" Harry asked, not moving.

"He's not there, the last time I saw him was…"

The Gryffindor moved his book when his boyfriend remained silent. Draco had stopped and was staring at the wall with a horrified expression. Harry turned toward the wall in confusion but there was nothing there. "Draco, what's wrong?"

"I left him…"

"Left who?" Harry frowned.

Draco snapped toward his clueless boyfriend with a scowl, "Bob!"

"Oh, right, _him_," Harry said. "Where'd you leave him?"

Draco rushed toward the portrait door, snagging his cloak from the hook on his way out.

"The Gryffindors have him!" he called over his shoulder.

Harry followed his boyfriend's lead out through the portrait, "The Gryffindors?" They began running down the hall and toward the Quidditch Pitch. Draco glared over his shoulder and hissed angrily.

"Weasley!"

--- --- ---

The two wizards came upon the field just as Ron lifted his arm to the sky, an evil cackle on the tip of his tongue. Draco saw him first and pointed him out.

"Harry, what is that?" Draco suddenly scowled as he got a better view. "Why is Weasley holding a little stick?"

Harry squinted at the object his friend was holding and his eyes widened, "That's not a stick, it's a match!"

"A… _match_? What does it do?" Draco asked.

"It lights things on fire," Harry hurried to stop the disaster about to happen.

Now Draco's eyes widened, "_Fire_? He's trying to kill Bob!"

At that moment Ron seemed to realize he had been found out and he quickly lit the match. The flame flickered with his hurried motion, but neared the plant nevertheless. Draco and Harry raced forward in an attempt to halt the calamity.

"Stop right there or the plant gets it!" the match was pulled closer to the leaves which seemed to quiver.

"Now, Ron, just think about this for a second," Harry said soothingly.

"No!" his eyes were wild. "I won't, Harry, I'm tired of Malfoy taunting me. He's always there!" He shook his head, "But no more!"

With a quick flick he lit the plant on fire, the leaves exploded in a puff of purple smoke and a high wailing echoed in its wake.

"_Bob!_" Draco screeched, falling to his knees.

"Damn it, Ron!" Harry yelled angrily.

"I did it," Ron said in amazement. "I pulled one over on Malfoy, I've finally had my revenge!"

"You're _dead_, Weasley!" Draco suddenly lunged toward the redhead.

"Draco, no --"

"_Gluteus Maximus_!" Ron cried in defense. (1)

Draco squealed and promptly fell on his bum which had begun to swell with the curse. "Harry!" he whined, "Weasel made my arse look fat! _Avenge_ me!"

"Ron," Harry growled, turning his wand on the redhead, who had the sense to look nervous.

"Now, Harry, _surely_ you understand my position, the bloody git was trying to hex _me_ first!"

"Run, Ronald, _run_."

No more words were needed as Ron scrambled to his feet and rushed down the hall screaming with a high pitched yell.

Harry then turned toward his sobbing boyfriend and sighed, "Are you alright, Draco?"

"He made me fat! _Look_ at me!" he wailed as he poked his bum. "I'm _plump_!"

"It's not that bad," Harry tried to console the blond.

Draco sniffed and glowered at the Gryffindor. "Not that bad?" he repeated slowly. "Not. That. _Bad_! Do you _know_ how long it's going to take to burn off these pounds?"

"Draco you could always --"

"No, don't talk to me, Harry; I'll have you know it'll take _weeks_ you insensitive jerk," he sniffed with a wounded air and turned haughtily away. "Until this monstrous arse is removed, I will not have sex with you," he crossed his arms with finality.

Harry's eyes widened and he remained silent in shock.

"N-no s-s-ex?" he whispered.

The blond shook his head firmly, "Nope."

"Madam Pomfrey!" Harry roared.

--- --- ---

"I'm so glad we got that little problem fixed," Draco murmured as he curled up against his boyfriend two hours after the incident with Bob – who had been long forgotten after loads of sex.

"Mm, me too," Harry agreed readily, running a hand down a smooth thigh.

Draco sighed and closed his eyes as he smiled, "Let's have lots of babies now."

"What?"

"Babies, I want to have babies, Harry. You see, that's your problem, you never _listen_ to me," Draco huffed.

Harry's mouth dropped open indignantly, "Are you _kidding_ me? You made me find the bloody antidote for that ruddy spell and now you want to get fat _again_?"

Draco's eyes flew open, "Fat? _Again_?" His face pinched in anger as he moved away and smacked Harry with a pillow, "That's it! You get the couch for the whole month!"

The Gryffindor tried to guard his face from the fluffy weapon as he fell off the bed, "Draco, I didn't mean it! I was just angry!" He winced as his elbow connected with the stone floor.

"Well you can learn to control your anger somewhere else you inconsiderate prat!" Draco threw the pillow at Harry's retreating figure.

"Draco!"

"Out!" Draco cried, "Merlin, Mummy was right, men will only break my heart!"

Harry shook his head and gathered his clothes, this was a nightmare. He sighed as he entered the bathroom, it would all blow over soon though – Draco was fickle like that. Truthfully, Harry wouldn't be surprised if he was already preggers by the way he acted.

"Harry, love? Can you get me a pint of ice-cream on your way down?"

_I'm lucky he can't get pregnant, my life would be hell._ Harry thought as he made ready to retrieve his boyfriend's request. _But fat or not, he's still got a hot arse._

The End

* * *

AN: (1) I formed the entire fic around this one little line. My mum mentioned the term for some reason, so my cousin and I thought it sounded like a spell.

-Red


End file.
